Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: 8:25 PM
Topic: Today....Oh Boy!!
After our daughter passed away I thought I wanted another girl. Well after we found out McKinley was boy, Harold said he didn't want anymore children. But who can blame him? His oldest son had sleep apnea, and his daughter passed away from SIDS...why should he have another. Like I said, I thought I wanted a little girl so after McKinley was about 5, I thought we should start trying again. Well I was holding the baby today and looking into his big brown eyes....why should I have another? I'm content with the 2 I got. I started to doubt I wanted another. Sure I'm missing out on pink girlie things, first boyfriends, first period, first heartbreak, what makeup to buy, mom and daughter days, and her wedding day but heck I'll be too busy with 2 boys. I wondered what I would be doing with Mackenzie right now.
I suppose when the time is right I want another. But as of today I don't want another baby. Which is subject to change. I have the right to change my mind don't I? I love babies, I love raising them, I love watching them grow up. Why not have another? Besides who wants to say they quit having babies at age 19? No not me. Menopause happens in the 40-50's....not 19. So if my body can make babies....I think I should. As long as I can pay for them and take care of them as if they were my one and only child. They are so beautiful! All of them. Even the little premature angels. They look so helpless but if you think about it...they are really strong little people. Why else would they hang around long enough to endure all the pain of needle, breathing machines, x-rays, and all that other crap hospitals think are necessary. Anyways, I have so many other things running through my head. My mother in law is driving me up the wall. Last night after a pretty good night I started cleaning up the house. Well we agreed NOT to smoke in the house. (Only right since we are trying to reduce SIDS)and what do I find in the trash can? A pop can with ashes in it. Sure we weren't home but damnit why can't she freeze her ass off like the rest of us? Then that morning she decided she would take the baby in the living room so Harold and I could get some well needed sleep. I told her "DO NOT LAY HIM ON HIS BELLY TO SLEEP", when I woke up....he's sleeping on the couch, she's in the kitchen not watching him, and he isn't hooked up to his monitor. What the hell?? Why can't she just listen? Then on top of that I tell Harold and he won't say anything to her. He says it will do no good. Yes, I understand she won't listen no matter what you do but it will make me feel better. But nooooo....he always sticks up for her. You'd think he would say something atleast about that since Mackenzie died but nope.